Don't think I don't think about it...

I have always been a numbers type person. Not that I can add or subtract do not get me wrong but numbers/dates, etc have always been soemthing I remember...I can recall birthdates of friends from longs time ago, I recall anniversary of first dates, meetings - I can and usually do remember people's license plates on their cars because after all that's what you see when you pass them on the street or in traffic. Yeah weird I know but its just something I do. I remember old phone numbers from apartments long since passed...The list goes on and on.

What do you do with a day that you should have cherished but is now yet just another memory? How do you deal? Today would have been my 4th wedding anniversary and while I harbor no ill feelings or regret about filing for divorce, how do I ever forget the day that was supposed to be "the rest of my life"? Do I?

Truth be told I don't know why I got married. Yes I loved my husband but let's face it there were signs, issues, problems before the day we said I do...I've tried with little success to explain or discover why I forged ahead when there were so many signs and I saw them at the time. I've tried with little success to verbalize to myself or my therapis what drew me to my husband so much so that I overlooked so much? Originally I thought it was this deep friendship but isn't even a friendship 50/50? I thought it was because he always put me first but that quickly changed. I thought it was because he accepted me for me - knew that the brash, bold, strong me was really just a facade for what lied beneath. That too became a bone of contention.

My first wedding anniversary my husband had already been out of the house for a month. We made a show at my sister's law school grad but things were far from good. Only a year. My 2nd one - he had been out already again for a month. I filed on June 13th, less than 3 weeks later. The details of what went on in the marriage, at our house, etc are still only between he and I well and my best friend. Otherwise no one knows the gory details - and beleive me they are not pretty...

So on this date, 4 years later why do I find myself thinking of it? Why isn't it just another day on the calendar? I seem to think last year it passed with little to no conscious thoughts...Why is this year different? Perhaps because it is on the seam of being lost forever? One can only hope I guess...

Bottom line - "don't think I don't think about it"

I digress...

So I wonder if I can just do sex? No strings attached? No feelings? Doesn't that type of intimacy automatically bring feelings? Not necessarily love but an attraction and caring? Can you draw an imaginary line and not cross it? Am I just an old fashioned girl at heart? I don't know...

Don't get me wrong, I am in a different place mentally right now with this boy. I am not going to go back or allow myself to be a passenger on a bus driven by him BUT in the end am I really just fooling myself? Because I am not that person? Don't I let people in because I do care about them? Do like them? I honestly don't know...

And the only thing the boy and I can agree on is that we want to always remain friends - is that possible? Yet again I don't know.

To be continued...

The 99 - he always comes back for more....

SO....Of course it has to deal with THE BOY aka 99...

So you know from my blogging that we still speak obviously...We are friends...I usually hear from hinm every day pretty much sometimes more than once...ANYWAY...

I was in court all day yesterday and busy as all hell from 9-430. I have a missed call from him and then two texts - one was like "what the fuck Pal where are you" and the next one was basically I'm looking to hook up (of course it was in his own language but I will spare you that...)...

So I text him back I'm in Court you tool.I thought you had an ample supply of getting laid? I thought we were going to go with the flow just not u staying all the time but u vanished.

Him - Vanished kill yourself forget it

Me - Ahh come on you know I am busting your chops. Why u take verything so seriously? Smile damn it. U know I miss hanging w ya-- chill out Jesus.

Then I don't hear from him for a while, my Jury was out so I text him - uh oh I crossed the feeling line? Look we're all good - things are fine between us. Just finished motion starting a trial call me later if you want.

So he calls me later and we talk and he wants to come over and does and we hook up and part of the conversation before was his leaving...A MUST

Of course after the deed - he's like get off my side - I'm like dude the whole bed is mine you don't have a side - and we banter back and forth like that for a bit. He falls asleep and refuses to leave. I told him I was going to wake him up in 20 mins but of course I fell asleep...SO

At 5am I wake up and he says something and I'm like oh shit - I forgot you were here. have to go now..And he's like I can't beleive you let me fall asleep and I"m like let you? Go now & he's like I can't bc my parents are leaving for work (condo burnt down not live with parents regularly)...

So goes back to sleep and I get up 2 hours later for work, shower, etc and then he leaves....

I feel better about it beccause one - HIS ASS CAME BACK....Of course...

But I feel like I am more in control of the situation - I'm not just going with the flow, i'm not sitting back and being pursued and doing nothing else, I can kick him out, not go places with him, but go out with friends, maybe new boys etc...

I can at least get laid regularly by someone I like and who's good while I continue to search for Mr. Right no??? Ahh the liberated woman.....

Ephinany - Healing, Realizing, whatever it's called it is ultimately moving on...

Kinda just hit me today - boy calls me every day like clockwork & didn't today & I didn't stress or even think about it too too much...Here's what happened...

My water heater blew up - boy has a friend who is a plumber (homeowning sucks which is another story altogether) - I do enough free legal work for boy for me to take advantage of these freebies. Boy completely takes over as any good boy should because I am a firm beleiver that certain tasks (yard, garbage, cars to name a few) are MAN jobs, not womans. And when I say take over - he called GE, he got the warranty info, he got the info on what I needed to do, he came all the way over, hooked up the water heater to drain it, and made cals to peole to come and do it for me later. If I had the right tools he would have taken it out for me but I didn't.

See whenboy was here he ran into roommate (boy found roommate for me)...Roommate involved in the date outing from my first post. Roommate was not happy about it. Roommate saw me be a basketcase for days. Again, Roommate not happy with boy. Roommate doesn't hide this fact from boy.

Boy obsesses about it slightly with me. Doesnt' dawn on me until later that roommate is not mad at boy per se but mad about how it went down as boy and I had discussed many times since. Boy leaves and then is somewhat standoffish for the rest of the day & when asked if he is pissed at me he says no.

Then today nothing - not even a follow up on the water heater, which is unlike boy. Me thinks boy must be doing some thinking. And lo and behold, I am okay. Survivors unite.

Obviously for me this boy/girl fwb opened up doors on things, emotions, thoughts, feelings I thought were long gone but alas just when you think it's safe to try and be human Jaws reappears...

I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I know in my heart of hearts and pretty intelligent mind that truly is boy's loss...Onward ho....no pun intended... :)

The "Shelf" or why can't a man be a man & make a fn decision?

So my esteemed "follower" Glamour Whore makes a valid and accurate point about the Shelf in my last post...Which leads me to yet another rant - why can't men just make a decision???

I dated a married guy for some time some decades ago (please reserve judgment for a later date) - beyond my own stupidity, why oh why couldn't he just man up and say "I'm never going to leave my wife?" No, instead he did and said the exact opposite....which ultimately led to me breaking it off....Of course it did, because I made the decision....

Same thing with ex husband - got pretty fucked up due to mother's death month after we were married, acted out in some of the most horrible ways which will likely be a cleansing blog some other day but nevertheless - why couldn't you just say I'm fucked up, I'm sorry, I gotta go? Nope instead he stuck around saying and sometimes doing the exact opposite yet again and in addition to all the disrespect, bled me dry financially...

Now the boy - same thing - so I'm on the shelf - I get that...But don't say/do stuff otherwise - don't get into an argument with me because I refuse to discuss who/what I'm doing and then say you don't care and its not going to break your heart....Don't send mixed signals (which again is a whole separate blog as well)....

Bottom line is even in all the scenarios above Girl has to be the strong one, Girl has to make the decisions, Girl has to stick to the decisions and you know what? It's damn tiring! Everyone who knows me knows I am a survivor - you know what? It sucks being a survivor - its a thankless job...I want to be the basketcase for once...Or better yet I want to meet a boy who says what he wants and his actions follow....UGH

So what's a girl to do???

That's what I aka Girl have been asking myself since the forgone dibacle happened...Thing is people I can be honest, I miss Boy...I was/am a wreck - I wasn't looking to get married - was willing to see what happened but now its just purgatory...

Thing is I had a shitty marriage and divorce and I got used to being alone - doing my own things, hanging with friends, going out, having fun...Then the boy came along and I got used to him...Let me tell u getting used to being alone again....SUCKS...

Boy does not help matters AT ALL - last week texted me when I was at bball game demanding to know who I was with...Today wants to know who I"m screwing...Boy's BFF keeps telling me "you never know" like he knows something...It's annoying...

Thing is girl knows she is a damn good woman...girl knows she is a great catch...girl knows she is unique in what she can put up with and what she finds funny...Girl knows...Girl just wonders why don't boys???

The Clusterfuck.....

So after girl returns from vacation & after boy tried to switch his shift to come and pick her up...He comes over that night and proceeds to stay every night until the clusterfuck...about three weeks...Yeah remember we're still talking FWB here folks...

The prelude to the clusterfuck is one night lying in bed the boy constantly talking about how he gets all these girls (despite being at girls house 24/7) - he's young we will give him some leeway...Girl finally pipes up and says listen just as you think you are the shit, I know I am the shit and just because I don't brag about the boys, numbers, etc...doesn't mean it isn't happening...Well boy has a mini mental meltdown caling girl "secret squirrel" and ending with next weekend he's going on a date...And he does...

Clincher about the date was this - one, it was a group date where he didn't do anything but its the same group of friends boy introduced girl to - girl feels like an asshole...AND since boy has no filter whatsoever he told his parents too - the very same parents girl dined with every week so NOW girl feels like an asshole in front of parents, too...And the cherry on the sundae is AFTER the group date - the boy comes back to the girls house.

Now in girl's defense - she's not jealous, she met girl - not impressed. She knows boy very well - annoying on so many levels but girl found funny....Take a special girl to put up with what this girl put up with...It's about respect people - respect...Girl is hypersensitive to respect as ex disrespected all over the place.

So the shit show began....boy and girl had many a talk where boy wanted to rely on an "agreement" from 7 months earlier...Girl tried to tell boy his actions broke the "agreement" long before girl got annoyed with a date....Oh did girl mention that boy said if girl fucked someone else he'd be pissed? Yeah - OKAY NOW....FWB my ass...

Guy doens't get....Girl/guy still talk - trying to be friends...Girl sad...misses warm body of boy...Boy still calls girl like clockwork 2-3 times a day...Girl says she wants hiatus - guy says No No No...to be continued...