Don't think I don't think about it...

I have always been a numbers type person. Not that I can add or subtract do not get me wrong but numbers/dates, etc have always been soemthing I remember...I can recall birthdates of friends from longs time ago, I recall anniversary of first dates, meetings - I can and usually do remember people's license plates on their cars because after all that's what you see when you pass them on the street or in traffic. Yeah weird I know but its just something I do. I remember old phone numbers from apartments long since passed...The list goes on and on.

What do you do with a day that you should have cherished but is now yet just another memory? How do you deal? Today would have been my 4th wedding anniversary and while I harbor no ill feelings or regret about filing for divorce, how do I ever forget the day that was supposed to be "the rest of my life"? Do I?

Truth be told I don't know why I got married. Yes I loved my husband but let's face it there were signs, issues, problems before the day we said I do...I've tried with little success to explain or discover why I forged ahead when there were so many signs and I saw them at the time. I've tried with little success to verbalize to myself or my therapis what drew me to my husband so much so that I overlooked so much? Originally I thought it was this deep friendship but isn't even a friendship 50/50? I thought it was because he always put me first but that quickly changed. I thought it was because he accepted me for me - knew that the brash, bold, strong me was really just a facade for what lied beneath. That too became a bone of contention.

My first wedding anniversary my husband had already been out of the house for a month. We made a show at my sister's law school grad but things were far from good. Only a year. My 2nd one - he had been out already again for a month. I filed on June 13th, less than 3 weeks later. The details of what went on in the marriage, at our house, etc are still only between he and I well and my best friend. Otherwise no one knows the gory details - and beleive me they are not pretty...

So on this date, 4 years later why do I find myself thinking of it? Why isn't it just another day on the calendar? I seem to think last year it passed with little to no conscious thoughts...Why is this year different? Perhaps because it is on the seam of being lost forever? One can only hope I guess...

Bottom line - "don't think I don't think about it"